Why do I always mess up? When do I always fail at meeting her expectations? Why cant I be good enough? I really tried my best, I've really changed a lot, from gaming, to character and even tantrum. I meant good for you, I am just voicing my opinion, why my best intention always
ends up making both of us really upset? I am really trying :/ If it was the me 1 month ago, I think I would've ended up quarreling with you because I ment good and ended up getting shitty attitude. :(
Sorry to say this, I am really upset every time you say, "no point", "Whats the use?" , "Your problem" and some really hurtful sentences. Like just now, I know I am abit of a petty guy, but the message that you sent, saying "just hate me. Just stop caring about me. I won't die." Really hurt me to bits! I know I am a nobody in your life, you can live without me and all, but even if you don't mean it or mean it as a joke, it really hurts to make me sound like I am the willing party and you dont care. I know I should've look things in your perspective instead of pulling you down, but really? Homework is more important than your health? I know you don't take school work lightly but I am not asking you to do it everyday right? Experience tells me that you wont be able to finish all the homework that teachers are giving during o'levels. That is why I ask you to go and get some rest. Its not like you are lagging behind or anything : / . But once again, I know, I am in the wrong of not thinking how you feel.
I am really sorry for not responding up to your expectations. It really creeps me to know how deep I am in love with you. The fear of you leaving, really press me up my chest, I've learnt not to quarrel with you, give in to you more, in fear of losing you, I am really scared that the thought of you not caring about me anymore made me knock my head heavily on the wall. 我真的很爱你:'( I am in the verge of crying while writing this, I never really cried for anything in my entire life other then family related issues. I've not cried when I have break ups, not even when Eunice broke up with me. I really love you. Ong SiewMing.
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
I am really trying to improve myself, to be even better, even yesterday, I went over to sheng siong to buy that hello panda, which I would really not do and find it stupid a few months ago. I've finally understood why you like these type of things. Its the effort, the sincerity that someone put in for someone. I've put in the effort to be to your standard, to be better, finally things seems to be getting better, and proof, look at what I've done tonight. My good is still not good enough. Codie is right, its the things I do during crucial time that is affecting it. Your affection. I really have no courage to say give me one last chance. I still have no confidence yet. Nevertheless, I'll never stop trying, to improve myself. :)
But how many times will it take?
How many times will it take for me? To get it right? To reach your standard, to be able to call you mine, to be able to hold your hands walking. The fear of you leaving is pushing my limits, everytime I've reach my limits and wanted to give up, the fear will keep me pressing on, doing better. I am really afraid that one day. My limit would stop pushing itself. What will happen to me? What will happen to us?
And finally, someone would see how much I care!
Having said so much, I am feeling much more motivated now. LOL, HAHAHA I DON'T KNOW WHY ALSO. But I know if I get stronger and wiser, I'll get through this. This is part of wooing you! To show how much I care, I love, I feel and most importantly how much I have put in. ONG SIEW MING. 我喜欢你!
Monday, August 6, 2012
"Haunted." @ 12:51 AM
I don't know why I am posting this, maybe the feelings inside me has really break its limit.
I've met this girl, yeah, another girl, called Siewming. I started feelings for her after I heard about her plight, yeah, her life really sucked, alot, hell lots. She has to do something that she don't like , so that she can make lots of money in the future and let her parents have a better life, she puts in alot of effort, just alittle set back could let her break down like its the end of the world, but hell, I really do like this girl, I mean, who in the hell would run all the way from her house, to a near by Chinese medical shop, bought herbal tea and ran all the way to my house, to give it to me, just because I said that my throat is getting, sore. In the middle of the night?! Come on, maybe she is the only foolish girl that will do that. But that really really touched me, I know its easy, but this is the first time that a girl did that to me!
Its really, SO SO SO hard to forget Eunice. Really, but I swear, this is the first time, a girl , really let me focus so hard on her that I've forgotten Eunice's existence. I really like her, Eunice too. Now that Siewming felt like she's just a substitute just because texting her could not be tantamount to me texting Eunice. I really don't know should I feel happy or sad. She said she's not jealous. She just felt that she's not being appreciated or being taken for granted. I really don't know how to tell her that she's not because it doesn't sound convincing after telling me all this. To tell the truth, I cant forget Eunice either, I mean, How can you forget someone who gave you so much to remember? But no, I don't like her anymore, I mean, sometimes, I tend to feel that I still have the chance again, but no, thats just a dream now, really.. Okay, I sound contradicting now, ARGHHH, How to tell you Siewming... 你不知道的事
Profile
As of july 2011
Brian Lee Ban Kim
11/07/1994
Male
70KG
1.76M
Single :D
As of july 2011