Monday, December 19, 2011
"Gonner." @ 2:25 AM
Gahh.. Feeling shitty the whole of last week.
I cherished the things I have when I have them, but why do they still go away?
I am having trouble with my classmates. Apparently, my classmates are doing things without asking me to join in. Be it going to lunch or going out for an outing. I even have to invite myself. This is really shitty to have all your classmates against you. What makes it even disappointing is suspecting the person who cant ever be the mastermind, be the person of the whole incident.
Lets name this guy A.
At the start of the school term, this guy was quite close to me, we would often discuss school work together and he would ask me out to lunch every time during break. When things are going as per normal. Then it faded. He'll ask me out for lunch lesser and lesser and we seldom had any interaction.
Then there is another girl. Quite important to me. Lets name this girl C.
She's the girl that I've taken quite an interest into. I'll often talk to her and treat her to things. I'll try to have as many interaction as possible with her. She's attached by the way. Thats kinda sad. But yeah, if it wasn't for her. I would not even have any interest in my class. Much more be bothered by what I am facing now.
So apparently last week was supposed to be the last week of school for this whole year. Year end coming soon. Since its the last week, I've decided to work hard the whole week and get As.
On Monday, the first lesson of the week, I worked hard on the problem statement of the day and work twice as hard as usual. I am totally focus and did not stray to any social networking sites. I was doing my research thoroughly. So during the presentation, the teacher wanted us to critic our classmate's presentation. So C was the one criticizing. However, she said a lot of things that makes me feel offensive. Yeah, maybe only to me, cause I've put alot of hard work inside. So the angered fuelled me decided to retaliate back on her group's presentation.
At first, I am just criticizing, she defended. I could've back off and let the matter to rest. I did not. It slowly grows to a debate, and the atmosphere grew fiery. I've posted some nasty comments on facebook and twitter after their presentation. Mocking them. She replied to my comments and we began quarreling on the net. Things get really nasty from now on.
I did not talk to her for the whole of Tuesday before apologizing on Wednesday. I started to get paranoid. She was ignoring me. I feel awkward. The funny thing is that, I seems to have grown distance to my friend. I am suspecting they have created a msn group that they use to gossip. The target seems to be me, since all of them are laughing at something that I do not know of, or not one invited me to the group.
I've apologized to her but things does not seem to get better. It made me think more, and I grew angry to the fact that every time whenever there's conflicts between me and a girl, I'll always be the one to apologize first. The other side of me that's feeling unfair for myself.
Things get cleared up on Thursday. But I still feel the same that C is not treating me the same anymore. I may be thinking too much, and I really hope that I am thinking too much. This whole thing is killing me.
Then the next day(Friday). Guy A asked C and a few of my classmates if they want a badminton outing. Since its the holidays. This was initiated by me weeks ago but we were too busy and had to drag on the outing. I am one of the people who suggested the outing but I am not invited? This is when I feel that A have been excluding me from everything. I do not know if I had sub-consciously offended him or otherwise. In my memory we just faded from interaction. No disputes between us.
I had to thicken my skin to ask every one of the people that are going for the outing if its okay if I wanted to go. True enough, I felt like a total outcast. Some of the guys still talked to me but not A. C was talking to me normally like how it was before we had the quarrel.I thought I am thinking too much. However, message wise, she have been treating me differently. That all the feelings come crumbling to me again.
So here is the problem.. Am I thinking to much? I mean like its not my fault that I am being outcasted by them. If it is then at least I have the right to know the reason. I am stuck between asking them why are they outcasting me and thinking too much. If I were to burst out to them asking why is A treating me like that and why C have been giving me a cold shoulder, if the truth is that I am thinking too much, I will make a fool out of myself. If I do not confront them. I am stuck in between. Feeling helpless, suckish. Shitty.
What should I do.
As of july 2011