Time and again， I've let her down, Promising and breaking them later on, I think I am a jerk. Always upsetting her, I guess I am still not working hard enough yet. And here I am, outing kyle's house waiting for her to finish her partying before bringing her back home again. Doing it without her knowing, if not she'll ask me to go home again. why Brian? Why? Why do you have to only do this when you've upset her? Why didnt you stop taking her for granted? Then you would not be stuck here, with 10 percent of battary left, asking her friends for help but being looked like the bad guy, having a tummy ache and getting all sleepy and sloppy. FUCK YOU AND WAKE UP BRIAN.
fuck this shit, prepared to cry in the bathroom so that no one else sees, but I cant give a single fucking tear, after bathing , went to my room, and tears start falling. Why am I crying this much this year.

     Making the girl I love angry, cant do no shit about it cause I have to accompany my bro to garden by the bay since my mum is sick and I have to take her place, the tickets expire by today, cant do anything to save the relationship I treasured so much. How shitty can my life gets.
Sometimes, a rubber band might lose its elasticity and never comes back when pulled away,
                                               Not time yet.

I don't know why I am posting this, maybe the feelings inside me has really break its limit.

I've met this girl, yeah, another girl, called Siewming. I started feelings for her after I heard about her plight, yeah, her life really sucked, alot, hell lots. She has to do something that she don't like , so that she can make lots of money in the future and let her parents have a better life, she puts in alot of effort, just alittle set back could let her break down like its the end of the world, but hell, I really do like this girl, I mean, who in the hell would run all the way from her house, to a near by Chinese medical shop, bought herbal tea and ran all the way to my house, to give it to me, just because I said that my throat is getting, sore. In the middle of the night?! Come on, maybe she is the only foolish girl that will do that. But that really really touched me, I know its easy, but this is the first time that a girl did that to me!

Its really, SO SO SO hard to forget Eunice. Really, but I swear, this is the first time, a girl , really let me focus so hard on her that I've forgotten Eunice's existence. I really like her, Eunice too. Now that Siewming felt like she's just a substitute just because texting her could not be tantamount to me texting Eunice. I really don't know should I feel happy or sad. She said she's not jealous. She just felt that she's not being appreciated or being taken for granted. I really don't know how to tell her that she's not because it doesn't sound convincing after telling me all this. To tell the truth, I cant forget Eunice either, I mean, How can you forget someone who gave you so much to remember? But no, I don't like her anymore, I mean, sometimes, I tend to feel that I still have the chance again, but no, thats just a dream now, really.. Okay, I sound contradicting now, ARGHHH, How to tell you Siewming... 你不知道的事






Hey everyone, sorry for not updating so long. No one read anyway, but I'll just update. So that next time I can browse through my post, and remember things happening at that time. So, here goes.

My sem 2 class ended quietly. From the most talkative guy in class, I ended my semester with being the guy that never really talk in class. All because of some stupid reason and one girl that I really could not understand. I tried to straighten things out, you don't want to and starts running away. Recently I saw your tweets about you keep screwing up alot of things, DUH? You see the reason why? When there's a problem, you would rather run away, not to most of the problems you have, but the way you handle things. it really hard not to screw up every time. Looking at how screwed up you are its really making me feeling so much better. You don't want to have anything to do with me, neither do I want to have any connections with you. We were just once classmates, thats all. Full stop.

I came to be quite close to a few of my sem 2 classmates, hana and samantha, Jia jin too! But I am closer to the first 2. Wonder why are there no guys mentioned? Its because the guys that I am close with sided with the girl above this paragraph and ignores me ! Other guys in my class are just neutral and I am not really close with them. Overall, this was a disastrous semester. I think I am gonna fail three or more modules and retain. No joke. I guess the lucky chances I had since I was in secondary school is not gonna help me in poly anymore. Its all hardwork  now on!

Anyway, back to my current life now. I am have my 2 months worth of holidays, with half of it gone, I am proud to tell you all that I've worked four days, the I.T show at suntec convention centre. Yeah, thats all. 1 month of holidays gone and I have only worked for 4 days. At least I tried working right! (￣ε￣). Not planning to do anymore extraordinary things, signed up for FOC and FOP, signed up for korea study trip, not selected for anything. How suck up can 2012 get? Its not even half a year and I have so much unpleasant things that happened. God, have mercy on me please!

So I am just waiting for the holidays to end, maybe I'll go have some catch up with some old friends while letting my precious youth drift away. Gonna repeat a module I've failed in my semester one when I go back school, I guess having 5 different classes and friends will have lesser kinds of trouble/ problems I can have right?  Right now, I am gonna fix my chat box, its no longer workable, because the provider has gone low on  maintenance money and requires money to continue the service now. I just go back to the old C box. Gonna loof around in the net before I go to sleep.
OYASUMI.




School starts tomorrow. Although its a 2 week holidays, alot of things had happened. Most of these are not something I want to remember.

I feel uncomfortable about my classmates. Just quickly get this semester over please!
I need to work, buy alot of things. BUT,
The prime thing is,
I wanna bring my parents oversea this year. I need to save now!

Nothing else to say when I am lost for words,
Fuck me please. I went to Wilson's Christmas party. I WAS IN THE PICTURE. WHY WAS? BECAUSE JIAHUI FREAKING CUT ME AWAY FROM THE PICTURE.

Fail Brian, your a total failure.

GOD GAVE YOU CHANCE. You took it, but screw up.

YOU MADE CHANCE FOR YOURSELVES. You missed it.

I am feeling that god is putting me through a tough test. To be not part of  cliques/ groups/ friends that I wanted most. Fucked up.



太陽 海洋 撞成地平線
就把我的世界都改變
第一個吻的時間 地球轉了幾圈
驕傲在流星雨中瓦解
那一天 那夜 我靈魂裏面
重疊了一個完美的畫面
你瞳孔像一輪滿月 靜止在我眼前
從此以後沒人比你更明確

陪你到雨季 陪著你到天晴
陪你日日夜夜守護一個奇跡
若不是上帝睡著 我不可能那麼幸運
能遇見地球上七十億分之一的你
傳說中每個人都擁有天上一顆星星的國度
都擁有一顆心的孤獨很多年
再邂逅一個人在宇宙連結成彼此的星座

直到 天空慢慢慢慢傾斜
直到 我默默埋葬了無邪
當時你一片片撿起的落葉
碎成了無限記憶似的遺憾
誰還記得 誰第一次牽起手
誰 記得 誰第一次不肯走
第一次 永遠就停在那時候
以後再想念也不能回頭

風 吹來了就去飛
列車進站了 就跟著離開
青春流失了 就忘記去愛
當時光一滴滴蒸發
習慣了一切都理所當然
習慣你成為我習慣的習慣

等到我察覺到你的悲傷 都已經太晚了
永遠還是不夠遠
是什麽讓不會改變的全都變了
終於落單的肩膀 終於悲哀的夕陽

想起你 天空就慢慢傾斜
擁有你 快樂才如此的強烈
為何你一片片撿起的落葉
碎成了無限記憶似的遺憾
誰還記得 誰第一次牽起手
誰 記得 誰第一次不肯走
第一次 永遠就停在那時候
以後我再想念也不能回頭

最後一次和你一起看同一片繁星
離最近距離 卻相隔了最遠的心
上天已經給我七十億分之一的幸福
而我活該 自作 日全食的盲目

如果我們的以後 各自被拆散
到世界某一個角落
就算是日和夜 夏和冬 都交錯
換日線外 我也可以感受你的笑

不認輸 不讓步 也不能因為失去的最初
很久很久以後更多人海茫茫
只有你 只有你 最瞭解我的倔強
只有你 飛上過我的天堂

直到 天空慢慢慢慢傾斜
直到 我默默埋葬了無邪
當時你一片片撿起的落葉
碎成了無限記憶似的遺憾
誰還記得 誰第一次牽起手
誰記得 誰第一次不肯走
第一次 永遠就停在那時候
你和我再想念也不能回頭

啦啦啦 啦啦啦啦啦啦~~~

太陽 海洋 撞成地平線
就把我的世界都改變
第一個吻的時間 地球轉了幾圈
驕傲在流星雨中瓦解
那一天 那夜 我靈魂裏面
重疊了一個完美的畫面
你瞳孔像一輪滿月 靜止在我眼前
從此以後沒人比你更明確


Gahh.. Feeling shitty the whole of last week.

I cherished the things I have when I have them, but why do they still go away?

I am having trouble with my classmates. Apparently, my classmates are doing things without asking me to join in. Be it going to lunch or going out for an outing. I even have to invite myself. This is really shitty to have all your classmates against you. What makes it even disappointing is suspecting the person who cant ever be the mastermind, be the person of the whole incident.

Lets name this guy A.
At the start of the school term, this guy was quite close to me, we would often discuss school work together and he would ask me out to lunch every time during break. When things are going as per normal. Then it faded. He'll ask me out for lunch lesser and lesser and we seldom had any interaction.

Then there is another girl. Quite important to me. Lets name this girl C.
She's the girl that I've taken quite an interest into. I'll often talk to her and treat her to things. I'll try to have as many interaction as possible with her. She's attached by the way. Thats kinda sad. But yeah, if it wasn't for her. I would not even have any interest in my class. Much more be bothered by what I am facing now.


So apparently last week was supposed to be the last week of school for this whole year. Year end coming soon. Since its the last week, I've decided to work hard the whole week and get As.

On Monday, the first lesson of the week, I worked hard on the problem statement of the day and work twice as hard as usual. I am totally focus and did not stray to any social networking sites. I was doing my research thoroughly. So during the presentation, the teacher wanted us to critic our classmate's presentation. So C was the one criticizing. However, she said a lot of  things that makes me feel offensive. Yeah, maybe only to me, cause I've put alot of hard work inside. So the angered fuelled me decided to retaliate back on her group's presentation.

At first, I am just criticizing, she defended. I could've back off and let the matter to rest. I did not. It slowly grows to a debate, and the atmosphere grew fiery.  I've posted some nasty comments on facebook and twitter after their presentation. Mocking them. She replied to my comments and we began quarreling on the net. Things get really nasty from now on.

I did not talk to her for the whole of Tuesday before apologizing on Wednesday.  I started to get paranoid. She was ignoring me. I feel awkward. The funny thing is that, I seems to have grown distance to my friend. I am suspecting they have created a msn group that they use to gossip. The target seems to be me, since all of them are laughing at something that I do not know of, or not one invited me to the group.

I've apologized to her but things does not seem to get better. It made me think more, and I grew angry to the fact that every time whenever there's conflicts between me and a girl, I'll always be the one to apologize first. The other side of me that's feeling unfair for myself.

Things get cleared up on Thursday. But I still feel the same that C is not treating me the same anymore. I may be thinking too much, and I really hope that I am thinking too much. This whole thing is killing me.

Then the next day(Friday). Guy A asked C and a few of my classmates if they want a badminton outing. Since its the holidays. This was initiated by me weeks ago but we were too busy and had to drag on the outing. I am one of the people who suggested the outing but I am not invited? This is when I feel that A have been excluding me from everything. I do not know if I had sub-consciously offended him or otherwise. In my memory we just faded from interaction. No disputes between us.

I had to thicken my skin to ask every one of the people that are going for the outing if its okay if I wanted to go. True enough, I felt like a total outcast. Some of the guys still talked to me but not A. C was talking to me normally like how it was before we had the quarrel.I thought I am thinking too much. However, message wise, she have been treating me differently. That all the feelings come crumbling to me again.

So here is the problem..  Am I thinking to much? I mean like its not my fault that I am being outcasted by them. If it is then at least I have the right to know the reason. I am stuck between asking them why are they outcasting me and thinking too much. If I were to burst out to them asking why is A treating me like that and why C have been giving me a cold shoulder, if the truth is that I am thinking too much, I will make a fool out of myself. If I do not confront them. I am stuck in between. Feeling helpless, suckish. Shitty.

What should I do.
Sorry.. I didn't mean to. Try to understand me. I am human too. I am just hurt by the fact that you criticize my idea like its dump, when I've put so much effort to work my butts off that day. Some more its from you. Really hurts to be in my shoe. Things just get over me and I that out of spite of anger.

 I guess you misunderstood that the facebook status about people giving criticism just to gain teacher's participation points is referring to you. I hereby declare that ITS NOT YOU STELLA ONG JIA JIA. Either way, you already angry like the birds in angry bird. No point telling you that.

 I think our relationship will be affected by this incident. I don't know what to do about this. I am so bothered by this, am I caring too much? I don't know why, I just feel that IDGAD when its other people, but when the person is you. I am super duper bothered.
HEYO! SORRY FOR THE ABSENT. MISSED ME? Okay, I forgot what I wanna post about now. Oh yeah, I wanna make things clear here. Yes, I liked someone, but NO its not stella, She's attached and my classmates are making me and stella awkward. I really felt that disturbed that I wanted to SMS stella to chat, but later ended the conversation abruptly just because this is what made people think that I like her. NO! THE GIRL I LOVE IS NOT HER. Please. Stop bothering the both of us. I am in need of cash, my bank balance dropped below a thousand. I know its still alot but to me its like dropping below a hundred dollars. I need a new basketball shoe, a guitar and some money to buy accessories. I NEED TO WORK. Its the exams period and I cant, but I am not studying too. ARGH. Laziness. My school work started off good, but now, I am not even trying to improve, I am trying my best to maintain instead of improving. Its really boring and tired to have most of the programming modules in Sem 2. And I am quickly getting tired of it. 三分钟热度. My course sucks. :/ My school had thing volunteer chingay helpers thingy. I cant find anyone to go with since its only restricted to School Of Info Tech students. So I am going ALONE! :D Make friends. Make more friends...Okay, #foreveralone Brian emoboy94. Thats all Ciaoos.
Yay, gotta go USS for the first time on friday. For the halloween event. Time passes by real fast. School has started for almost 3 weeks, 3 and 1 week left for this class. Its a nice class overall. With friendly people. My mood aint any better. Thus the new blog song. 给我力量
:( ILY.
Kinda upset. Over a lot of things. 2nd week of school. Class has been well, good looking girls, good first impression to the facilitators, class not as competitive. But its still not enough perking me up.

I need to work. I feel bad towards my father, I can spend up to eight dollars for breakfast and lunch, but my father only spends less than two for lunch, he is saving here and there to provide for my mother and brother. My mother has to start working to increase the income. I feel like a wastrel. I need to start working to provide myself so as to lighten the load of my parents. I can spend money more freely in the way. It really pains me to see my father to skip breakfast and spend less than two on lunch and my mother having to packet overnight food to eat as lunch. Fuck me and my laziness.


I had been very close to Siangyew lately. We had been talking about girls stuff and find out that we agreed on a lot of things together. He's having his o'levels soon. Shall not disturb him until the end of his exams. :)

I think I am gonna be alone again.
Hey, I am back from my chalets. Its been a week thou. Sorry for the late post! Not feeeling well!

Let start with the introduction of our chalet.
Its at HomeTeamNS pasir ris. Yep, for those who don't know where it is, its right INSIDE pasir ris park. The opposite end of Costa Sand Pasir Ris. The environment looks quite comfy on the internet before we reach. After we reach, it kinda turn out not the way we thought of.

Looks kinda nice in the pic heh? This is the backyard, Where we bbq. Oh, did i mention its 2 storey? The inside looks decent enough. Sorry but no pictures on the insides. I took this picture when I was bored, swinging on the swing outside.


Yep, they have a playground beside the chalets. This swing is beside ours, having big trees at each sides of the swing. Imagine the sound of the swaying trees and swings at night. SHIOK. :D

This is the playground I am talking about. With all the moss growing, I doubt anyone would be playing on it. The moss are growing on the buildings too.


We are inside the Park, There's the sea. Its the park outside.  Its fenced but there is a door which is open and close at night which links to the park. We will took our half an hour long walk to E!hub through that door to the park, and to the Hub.

Its really bored, especially when your so far away from E!hub.  Its like we are at one end of the park while E!hub is at the opposite end. Not much of entertainment there.
The dudes playing cards:


Lets skip to last night as we get DRUNK. Nah, not me. Haha

The girls making fried dumplings. Brenda is a great cook! Zac helping the girls.

Drunk people everywhere at night! Blured on purpose. We all know who it is.




Thats all of the pictures. I woke up that day feeling nausea. I did not drink that much, the reason i felt nausea I think was because I overfed myself. Went back home to sleep. Had a slight fever.
The next day was terrible. I had a tummy ache at around 8 pm. So I exclude that I had eaten and dirty food at chalet. I only ate my mum home cooked food but my brother and parents are fine. I had diarrhea until 2 days later, when I was about to go to my cousin's 21st birthday chalet, yeah, AGAIN. At Costa Sand Pasir Ris.

School is reopening on wednesday. Only RP is this early. -.-  Hope my classmates turns out great. Need to get my body clock back. Gotta sleep. NIGHTS!
My feeling now. SUCKS.
Hello readers.
Yay, finally class chalet is here today!
Its a chalet i've never been to before. HometeamNS Pasir Ris. Kinda look like a bangalow. Excited.
Hope andrei will like the surprise chalet Eugene and gang had set up for him. I might drop by over at night.

Gahhh, need to wake up very early tml, since I have not packed my clothes and I don't know where is the chalet located. I need to do up a list of things to bring so that i do not left out anything tomorrow morning. Sigh.
I HOPE IT WILL BE FUN. WILL POST PHOTOS UP. :D

Nights peep!
Hello. Feeling good today, Went out early today with JingRong and his friend to get our pay. The company printed out bankbook but did not check in our pay, so we have to go all the way down south to get our pay. I am $105 richer! After that went over to Bugis to have our lunch and window shopping. Went over to Kinokuniya to look around, and surprisingly, i've found the book that i had been searching for the pass one year. Show's 罗辑课. I have been searching the whole woodland's area popular and they are all sold out. JingRong and I bought it without hesitation. Went on to search for a pouch JingRong wanted to bring along when fishing. Went to zinc, Bugis junction does not have a new piece that JingRong wanted, went down to Bugis street, but does not have the colour JingRong wanted. I thought of northpoint having a zinc shop, so we took the rebound train and trained to Yishun, and found out there was no zinc shop -.- . Accompanied JingRong to ChoaChuKang Lot1 shopping centre. Bought the pouch and reach home at 9.30. Tired day, I think i slept in the MRT with my mouth open wide. OMG. THATS ALL. Now, i am EMO again. With alien huang's song. HAHA.

As of july 2011
Brian Lee Ban Kim
11/07/1994
Male
70KG
1.76M
Single :D







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